Questions to Ask Intended Parents Before Agreeing to a Surrogacy Match

Before agreeing to a surrogacy match, ask intended parents how they want to communicate, which medical preferences need discussion, what practical support will be available, and what contact each of you hopes for after birth. A match meeting is also your opportunity to describe your own needs—not simply answer questions about yourself.

You do not need to settle every detail during the first conversation. Use the meeting to identify shared expectations, disagreements, and questions that need your coordinator, fertility clinic, or independent attorney.

Start With Questions That Help You Decide

Choose the questions that matter most to your situation and make space for the intended parents to ask you questions too. Personal interests can help break the ice, but they should not replace discussion of the practical and medical realities of carrying a pregnancy.

Talk About Communication and Privacy

Move beyond “we will stay in touch.” Ask what an ordinary week might look like, who will receive updates, and whether you both prefer a group conversation, phone calls, or another agreed channel. If you live in different time zones or use an interpreter, discuss how that affects scheduling and understanding.

• How should we handle a concern that feels urgent to one person but not the other?
• Who should help if a message is misunderstood or either side feels overwhelmed?
• Would either of us be uncomfortable with photos, appointment details, or announcements being shared publicly?

Ask the coordinator how communication is organized and who can access any shared platform. Do not assume that every message is private from the agency or that a coordinator reviews every conversation. Keep medical information in the channels your care team instructs you to use.

Discuss Medical Preferences Without Confusing Them With Medical Consent

Before committing to a match, discuss subjects that could create a serious disagreement later. These may include embryo-transfer plans, prenatal testing, pregnancy complications, and preferences relating to reduction or termination. Your clinic and separate attorneys should help explain the medical and legal implications; a match call is not a substitute for that advice.

ASRM states that gestational carriers are the source of consent for their own medical care. Compatibility discussions help identify differing expectations, but they do not transfer medical consent to intended parents or the agency. Never agree to wording you do not understand because you feel pressure to keep a match moving.

Useful questions include: “Which medical preferences are especially important to you?” and “How would we involve our care team and attorneys if new information changed the pregnancy plan?” Bring unresolved questions to your own attorney through the surrogate legal-review process.

Make Practical Support and Birth Expectations Concrete

Talk about the effect the journey could have on your family and daily routine. Ask how appointments, travel, time away from work, childcare, and recovery will be coordinated. Distinguish emotional reassurance from specific arrangements that need to appear in your agreement.

For birth planning, discuss who hopes to attend, what support person you would like present, and how photos and updates might be handled. These are preferences to review with the hospital and clinical team, not promises that a particular delivery-room arrangement or medical outcome can be guaranteed.

You might ask: “What would you want to know if plans changed suddenly?” or “Which arrangements should we confirm with the coordinator before either of us books travel?” Financial and medical details should be checked with the appropriate professional rather than negotiated informally during the call.

Talk About Contact After Birth

Some people hope for regular updates and a lasting relationship; others prefer more limited contact. Ask about photographs, messages, visits, and how each family approaches privacy. Be honest if you are unsure what you may want after delivery.

A conversation about contact after birth can help you understand each other without treating a preferred relationship as a guaranteed outcome. Record what you discussed and identify which expectations need further advice or clarification.

What If Your Expectations Do Not Align?

A pleasant meeting does not mean every important issue has been resolved. If something feels unclear, ask for more time, another conversation, or help from your coordinator. If you are uncomfortable moving forward, explain the concern and ask what your options are at that stage. Any obligations under documents you have already signed should be discussed with your own attorney.

After the meeting, make a short record of three things: what you both agreed on, what remains open, and who will answer each outstanding question. Send a factual summary for clarification; do not treat meeting notes as a replacement for your legal agreement.

Babytree's matching process can provide the setting for these discussions. The goal is not to prove that you are the “right” surrogate at any cost, but to understand whether the proposed match works for everyone involved.

Frequently Asked Questions

Does a match meeting mean I have committed to the intended parents?

Do not assume that an introduction has the same effect as signing an agreement. Ask your coordinator what the meeting means in the program, and ask your independent attorney about any obligations in documents you have already signed.

Can I bring a partner or support person?

Ask how the program handles support-person involvement. Someone who understands your routine may help you identify practical questions, but you should also have space to express your own preferences and speak privately with your professional advisers.

What if I cannot answer a medical or legal question during the call?

Say that you need guidance before answering. Write the question down and take it to the relevant clinician or your own attorney. An informed answer later is more useful than a rushed promise during the meeting.

Prepare for a Conversation, Not a Performance

Use your questions to understand the people, expectations, and arrangements behind the proposed match. If you are preparing for your first conversation, ask a Babytree coordinator about the surrogate application and matching steps and which questions should be resolved before you move forward.